i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
