he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
