So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
