I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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