i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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