I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Randomize
