I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
