reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
