Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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