Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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