I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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