Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
