The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
