How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its about making memories worth repressing
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
