You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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