halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
