I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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