I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
