I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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