I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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