So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
