How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
even my farts smell like vagina
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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