i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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