please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
