Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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