Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
