I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
