Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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