pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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