sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My liver just had a heart attack.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
