Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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