Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
