I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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