I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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