Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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