Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
