I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
