Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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