So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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