i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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