just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
