I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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