You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
