i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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