I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
