So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
