I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
