tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
