3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
