birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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