remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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