my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
