I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
