i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
