rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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