There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
