did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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