I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
