My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
