do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
