thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
