I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
