I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
