So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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